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1.  I really wish I could know when you’re coming. Will it be in my lifetime, or the ones that come after? Have you already begun? I just want you to know. I will be disappointed no matter when you come—it’s either going to be too soon or too late. I mean, can I at least get to my thirties? I’ve learned so much about how to handle my future that it would suck for it to be replaced by spiked bats and rat kebabs so soon. 

 

2.  Please reconsider your existence. The world is nice, but it won’t be if you continue with this newfound obliteration. 

 

3.  I know this may be obvious, but I don’t want to die. Well, I don’t want to die in a lame way. I can accept death if it’s a sick, cinematic moment where I save a bunch of people, or I get personal vengeance in the process, or something. I don’t know, get creative.  

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4.  Don’t be realistic, please. I know that’s a big ask, but I’m really hoping for the gruesome horde of zombies, or acid rain, or maybe just killer animals, but right now the most likely ending seems to be global warming or a few too many nuclear bombs. And while the looming threat of wars and the thought of a mass extinction on a completely barren Earth really keeps me on my toes for my day-to-day life, I would rather not end in such a desolate manner. It would be terribly rude to not even give me a chance to fight back. Give me a side of hope with my rat kebab, please. 

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5.  Sometimes, life can be tough, and a little piece of me is asking for you, apocalypse. Just a little itty-bitty piece of me who doesn’t actually want the great suffering you would bring, but just wants a change from the normal, regular suffering that happens day after day.  

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6.  Now, I know you don’t want to be playing favorites, but you should let me keep my music. I will take the absolute worst from you if it means I get to listen to music the whole time. I’d be playing “The Safety Dance” while fighting off a never-ending horde of zombies, Black Sabbath for the food raids, and I'd have something seriously cool, like “Gangsta’s Paradise,” on standby. Maybe a bit of Nickelback here and there, who knows. 

 

7.  Considering all that I've said, just know that it would be totally screwed up if you arrived. A lot of people would no longer be considered living, and whoever is left will be hanging on the crumbling cliff that would be called surviving. While we might still continue on with hope, boy howdy would it be a mess. Maybe after all that happens the world could change for the better, like after a forest fire: we get to grow back better than ever. Or... maybe it just sucks, and we all die, the end, bye-bye humanity. Yeah, I don’t want to take that chance, so no vacancy, skip town. Go find another civilization to collapse. 

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